Solicitud de Empleo en El Nuevo Día
La empresa El Nuevo Día publicó un clasificado de empleos en la edición de hoy de su periódico, pág. 11 de Empleos. Creo que soy la persona indicada para llenar sus necesidades a través de consultoría por lo que les escribí. Les incluyo la comunicación.
Distinguished Gentlemen at El Nuevo Día and Grupo Ferré Rangel:
I hope this email find you in good graces, certainly it finds you in the most lucky of circumstances. Lucky because I, Pedro Heimlich, am replying to your job classified posted today in your newspaper. Let’s be clear, I am not interested in the position as I don’t work in traditional jobs. You may already know this but I am one of the most affluent and successful businessmen in the World, maybe the Universe, certainly in Puerto Rico. Instead of hiring a mediocre mind to fill a gray cubicle in your Guaynabo offices I am suggesting you hire me, Pedro Heimlich, as your online marketing strategy and social media consultant.
I know it is absurd to try to convice you to hire me, as you may have already fainted in orgasmic excitement to find out I am available and somewhat interested in advising your company, but to make it clear on why I am the best and only candidate for the position I will list some of my most important accomplishments:
1. In 1969 I advised President Kennedy’s administration on the successful communications strategy for the fake Moon Landing mission that captivated the hearts and minds of the whole World.
2. I was awarded the title Sir Pedro Heimlich by Your Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at a private ceremony in Buckingham Palace for my contributions in maintaining British control and economic stranglehold in developing countries (and colonies) around the World.
3. In 1986 I invented the first social network. As the Internet was yet to be invented, we continued its arduous development until its launching in 1994. The network first launched in Paraguay as Guaraniaqui.com. A few years later, after membership grew to 600 million users, it was bought by Terra Networks which later sold it to Starmedia which later sold it to AOL which later sold it to Telemundo/NBC which later sold it to Microsoft which later sold it to Google. Google eventually launched Guaraniaqui.com as Orkut.com in Brasil and I later bought it again for 5 million guranís. I then sold the source code to a Mark Zuckerberg for 20% equity in his new venture. I am an expert.
4. As recent as last year I launched a Worldwide Social Media Marketing and Prosperity Program appropriately named “The Golden Shower”. The revolutionary program has sold over 500 million copies across the World and eventually was bought by Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki. They plan to relaunch the wealth-generating system in 2011 under the name “Wet in the Shower with Your Rich Dad”. Although the transaction amount has never been disclosed let me assure your that it is enough money to purchase your failing newspapers, your under-par Internet properties, the monopolistic printer you operate, along with the Ponce Museum of Art and City View Plaza. After that I would have enough money to buy the island of Puerto Rico a hundred times over and name it Planeta Heimlich.
5. I wake up every morning and when I look in the mirror I see Pedro Heimlich. How fucking awesome is that.
I am very sorry to only list five accomplishments and not including a formal resume but do take into consideration that my curriculum vitae is over 5 TeraBytes in size and cannot be sent via email.
To further convince you that I am the best choice to rescue your company from your impending Internet doom I will leave you with a few suggestions on how to maximize your online efforts:
1. Increase elnuevodia.com‘s screen width to 15,000 pixels and align important content on the right size of the browser. By filling all the empty space with banner ads we can force visitors to view thousands of pixels filled with animated commercial messages, videos and sponsorships.
2. Monetize your valuable visitor comments. I suggest you add a banner ad in between each comment. This area would be perfect for advertisers such as Hospital Capestrano, Mepsi Center, Pepcid, Maalox or the local Department of Education.
3. Add more superficial and unimportant content on the main page. I know you are already doing this but we need more of it. Actually more nudity wouldn’t hurt.
4. Include erroneous and misleading headlines to increase the number of clicks. Again, I know you are following this strategy but we need more of it.
Well, I thinks that is enough free advice. I know you are interested and excited to hire me but please know that my expertise and supernatural marketing powers don’t come cheap. I usually try to consult companies your size about 2 minutes each morning at a retainer fee of $5,000,000.00 (US Dollars) a month. Consider that a bargain.
To contact me just reply to this email. My entertainment and security personnel with coordinate a private jet flight for your team-members to any destination I might happen to find myself at the moment. (I can’t disclose my current location for security reasons)
Note: This communication was personally dictated by Mr. Pedro Heimlich and transcribed by Assistant #435 Mrs. Saina Mirza.
San Juan, PR (Via Paraguay)