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Solicitud de Empleo en El Nuevo Día

September 3, 2010

La empresa El Nuevo Día publicó un clasificado de empleos en la edición de hoy de su periódico, pág. 11 de Empleos. Creo que soy la persona indicada para llenar sus necesidades a través de consultoría por lo que les escribí. Les incluyo la comunicación.

from Pedro Heimlich <>
subject Web Strategist Position

Distinguished Gentlemen at El Nuevo Día and Grupo Ferré Rangel:

I hope this email find you in good graces, certainly it finds you in the most lucky of circumstances. Lucky because I, Pedro Heimlich, am replying to your job classified posted today in your newspaper. Let’s be clear, I am not interested in the position as I don’t work in traditional jobs. You may already know this but I am one of the most affluent and successful businessmen in the World, maybe the Universe, certainly in Puerto Rico. Instead of hiring a mediocre mind to fill a gray cubicle in your Guaynabo offices I am suggesting you hire me, Pedro Heimlich, as your online marketing strategy and social media consultant.

I know it is absurd to try to convice you to hire me, as you may have already fainted in orgasmic excitement to find out I am available and somewhat interested in advising your company, but to make it clear on why I am the best and only candidate for the position I will list some of my most important accomplishments:

1. In 1969 I advised President Kennedy’s administration on the successful communications strategy for the fake Moon Landing mission that captivated the hearts and minds of the whole World.
2. I was awarded the title Sir Pedro Heimlich by Your Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at a private ceremony in Buckingham Palace for my contributions in maintaining British control and economic stranglehold in developing countries (and colonies) around the World.
3. In 1986 I invented the first social network. As the Internet was yet to be invented, we continued its arduous development until its launching in 1994. The network first launched in Paraguay as A few years later, after membership grew to 600 million users, it was bought by Terra Networks which later sold it to Starmedia which later sold it to AOL which later sold it to Telemundo/NBC which later sold it to Microsoft which later sold it to Google. Google eventually launched as in Brasil and I later bought it again for 5 million guranís. I then sold the source code to a Mark Zuckerberg for 20% equity in his new venture. I am an expert.
4. As recent as last year I launched a Worldwide Social Media Marketing and Prosperity Program appropriately named “The Golden Shower”. The revolutionary program has sold over 500 million copies across the World and eventually was bought by Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki. They plan to relaunch the wealth-generating system in 2011 under the name “Wet in the Shower with Your Rich Dad”. Although the transaction amount has never been disclosed let me assure your that it is enough money to purchase your failing newspapers, your under-par Internet properties, the monopolistic printer you operate, along with the Ponce Museum of Art and City View Plaza. After that I would have enough money to buy the island of Puerto Rico a hundred times over and name it Planeta Heimlich.
5. I wake up every morning and when I look in the mirror I see Pedro Heimlich. How fucking awesome is that.

I am very sorry to only list five accomplishments and not including a formal resume but do take into consideration that my curriculum vitae is over 5 TeraBytes in size and cannot be sent via email.

To further convince you that I am the best choice to rescue your company from your impending Internet doom I will leave you with a few suggestions on how to maximize your online efforts:

1. Increase‘s screen width to 15,000 pixels and align important content on the right size of the browser. By filling all the empty space with banner ads we can force visitors to view thousands of pixels filled with animated commercial messages, videos and sponsorships.
2. Monetize your valuable visitor comments. I suggest you add a banner ad in between each comment. This area would be perfect for advertisers such as Hospital Capestrano, Mepsi Center, Pepcid, Maalox or the local Department of Education.
3. Add more superficial and unimportant content on the main page. I know you are already doing this but we need more of it. Actually more nudity wouldn’t hurt.
4. Include erroneous and misleading headlines to increase the number of clicks. Again, I know you are following this strategy but we need more of it.

Well, I thinks that is enough free advice. I know you are interested and excited to hire me but please know that my expertise and supernatural marketing powers don’t come cheap. I usually try to consult companies your size about 2 minutes each morning at a retainer fee of $5,000,000.00 (US Dollars) a month. Consider that a bargain.

To contact me just reply to this email. My entertainment and security personnel with coordinate a private jet flight for your team-members to any destination I might happen to find myself at the moment. (I can’t disclose my current location for security reasons)


Pedro Heimlich

Note: This communication was personally dictated by Mr. Pedro Heimlich and transcribed by Assistant #435 Mrs. Saina Mirza.

Pedro Heimlich
San Juan, PR (Via Paraguay)

From → Genialidades

  1. omayra garcia permalink

    como puedo buscar una solicitud de empleo

    • Jose F Salgado Vazquez permalink

      Calle El Monte Parc.38-A        Telefonos:
      Bo.Campanilla                       (787-394-0336)
      Toa Baja, P.R. 00949            (787-983-7174)



      Trabajar en una empresa donde pueda aportar todos mis conocimientos,destrezas y habilidades para asi contribuir al desarrollo de la misma y a mi crecimiento profecional.


      2012-2015  National building Maintnance            Bayamon P,R

      2010-2011 Taco Bell          Guaynabo P,R
      *Linea de produccion

      2009-2011 La Estrella.        Guaynabo P,R
      Dish Washing
      *Ayudante de cocina


      2008  Esc.Sup.Dr Pedro Albizu Campos  Toa baja P.R
      *Cuarto año


      *Manteniento              *Responsable
      *Areas verdes             *Organizado
      *Pintar                        *Asistente de cocina
      *Asistente de cocina     *Puntual
      *Buenas Relaciones Personales


      A su disposicion.

  2. Hi there, everything is going fine here and ofcourse every
    one is sharing facts, that’s in fact fine, keep up

  3. adner pagan rivera permalink

    Buenas tardes !! Termine mi cuarto a=o y me interesa trabajar con usted y si puedo comenzar un partime tambien muy agradecido,bueno queda de usted.gracias .dios lo bendiga!!

  4. Lexenia Morales permalink

    Me interesa Trabajar Con usted-cmo lleno la solicitud.

  5. Keyra perez maldonado permalink

    Hola me interesa trabajar con ustedes lleve resume hace dos meses lo entregue en la oficina de recursos humanos pero no he recivido llamada he llamado varias veces pero no tengo contestacion mis numeros son 787-220-6503/244-9824 gracias

  6. Dispuesta a trabajar inmediatamente..
    gracias ..Dtg

  7. keyra perez maldonado permalink

    Me gustaria trabajar con ustedes me interesa tener una oportunidad de trabajo con ustedes como puedo apicar lleve resume y nunca me llamaron

    • keyra perez maldonado permalink

      Mi numero es 7873586540 disponibilidad para trabajar con ustedes

  8. Maria Negron Quinonez permalink

    Por este medio deseo aplicar para alguna plaza vacante; estoy disponible y dispuesta a trabajar inmediatamente.
    cualquier informacion adicional o para documentos requeridos puede comunicarse con esta servidora al siguiente cel. 787-692-6808.

    Gracias anticipadas,
    Maria Negron Quinonez


  9. Edlin garcia Andaluz permalink


    por este medio de comunicacion deseo informar que alguna plaza vacante que tenga disponible estoy dispuesta a trabajar inmediatamente al ser solisitada para ser informada o solisitada favor de comunicarse a este numero 787 340 9280 787 295 7244

  10. wanda ivette arroyo oquendo permalink

    Bo. Maricao carr. 677 Bo. Maricao carr. 677 Bo. Maricao carr. 677 K-2 H-6 Sector BoquerónVega Alta, PR 00692 (787)327-1893(787) Wanda I. Arroyo Oquendo Objetivo Obtener un empleo en una compañía donde pueda implementar las habilidades y conocimientos adquiridos a través de experiencias previas de empleo y así contribuir al éxito de la misma. Educación Diploma de Cosmetología y Estilo – Curso Técnico Quality Technical & Beauty College Vega Baja Computer Training Center Curso Corto en Computadora – Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint Diploma de Cuarto Año – Curso GeneralEscuela Superior Experiencia 2000 – 2014 Quality Technical & Beauty College Bayamón, PR Recepcionista, Servicio al Cliente, AdmisionesVentas, Envoltura y Arreglos, Orientación. 1998- 2000 Playtex Dorado, PR Operadora, Costura 1996- 1998 Yanni Vega Alta, PR Arreglos y Envoltura, Cajera, Ventas 2014-2015 Manati Medical Center Manatí, PR Servicio al Cliente Destrezas

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